Visit blogadda.com to discover Indian blogs DISCREET ENVISAGEMENT: September 2009

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

KNOWING THYSELF!!!!!!

I am too much into introspection these days, you see.. last time with the DRINKING thing and now with the AIM OF LIFE!!
I was wondering if I am overdoing myself? Is it that I am expecting too much out of myself? Do I actually understand my limits and boundaries? Because if I don't know them, how will I cross them!!
I think and think and think!! and what do I realise?? Well.. nothing actually.. :(
In a moment I am fill with faith and trust in myself and I start pushing myself to achieve something.. nothing seems impossible, unachievable, undoable!!!
But, after a while when I actually am on to do something, I start feeling dejected, demotivated and feel low about it. May be that's a reason why inspite of doing well in all the endeavors in the past I still feel hollow and empty from within..
I never wanted to grow on money or name or fame, but to mature as a person and have a strong character and intellect.. I have achieved that as well to some extent.. but I feel that I have got so obsessed with this thing that I am loosing on the actual aim of life that is "LIVING IT"!!
I had a great childhood, wonderful schooling, amazing colleges, a great and a very learning youth.. now I am happily married (just for 2 month though ;).. My parents are proud, my wife is glad and happy, my brother feels great about me, my friends love me.. but the most important question of all is that am I happy with myself??
I don't know!!! I always wanted to make people around me proud and happy.. there they are!! Proud, happy as never before.. but still I am missing something..

And that tells me that what I beleived about myself for all these days and years was not the truth.. it is something else.. and I need to figure it out.. soon..
Prey for me..

Bye.. Good night.. I know I m crazy.. ;)

Monday, September 21, 2009

Am I GREAT?? No!!! Why??


Oh my god!! I don't believe this!! Its almost 2 at night, I was almost as asleep as dead when I wake up suddenly with a weird.. yup.. a very WEIRD thought up in my mind...that WHY THE HELL I DON'T DRINK?? Can u believe this??? 
I mean, what is it that I am trying to ask myself?? or probe?? or prove?? may be... 
Is it that i am some kind of NICE GUY here, who does all things right.. who thinks too much to NOT TO DRINK because that wouldn't be GOOD??? Do all of them who drink or smoke think that much about what they are doing?? Or is it just another thing that they do in life??
I mean its kind of strange!! Isn't it?? Does being a NON SMOKER and a NON DRINKER (I don't know if that word actually exists) make me better than others who do that stuff?? If yes, then how?? What is that they probably don't have that I have?? Or what is it that they loose and i save?? Going as per what is said, they loose valuable days of life, will get sick at some stage in life and will face serious medical consequences due to their habits... But is that actually the reason why I stay away from it?? May be not so exactly..
There are many things which can have adverse effects at some point in life but still most of us do these things.. don't we?? Even I keep doing certain things like over eating, less of physical work, improper sitting and standing postures, high calories and fat in diet, excess of watching TV and working on computer etc... But hey... all these things are not declared as social evils???.. whereas SMOKING and DRINKING are!!!
So, am I convinced here that I am a better person than all those in the world who drink or smoke??? Well, I don't actually know as yet!! I guess I need more probing, more introspection here... need to ask a few more questions to myself and find answers to them... but one thing I am sure about is that whatever the answers may be, i am always going to be a NON-SMOKER and a NON- DRINKER (I don't know what they call'em ;)..)
By the way, now since i am going to stop here to get back the bed; I really feel strange for what I am thinking and doing for last 30 mins.. I mean.. that's outrageous... How can I.... arggg..... forget it... bye... good night...